Too Late?
by KaatiieeXD
Summary: Edward writes to Bella, two years after NM. Has Bella moved on? CRAP summary. R&R please xx
1. Whatever it takes

Dearest Bella,  
This is Edward, but I'm sure you knew that by my handwriting. Not enough time has passed for you to forget my scrawl that fascinated you so. I know you probably don't want to read this Bella, but please. Humour me for once.  
I'm writing to see if you are okay. Even after 2 years I feel somewhat protective over you, and it is doing my head in not knowing how you are. I think of you a lot, and wonder how you are. What your life is like without me, what you're doing, who you're with, whether or not you ever think of me. I think of the way your smile and your laugh, that beautiful warm pink blush, your fierce loyalty and stubbornness. I play your lullaby all the time; I write new songs too remind me of you. I wonder if you still have that CD I made you, if you ever listen to it. But I didn't write this to tell you that.  
I miss you Bella. I miss your smell and your humour. Your sarcasm and the way you make me feel complete. Lying with you in the meadow, or hanging out at my house, they are the best memories of my very long life.  
I need you in my life. I can't handle staying away from you, not knowing how you are or what you're doing. Jasper and Emmett keep telling me to move on, that I can find someone new, that it's too late. They mean well, all they want for me is too be happy and they don't approve of my 'obsession' with you. But they miss you too. I can't believe I messed up so royally. I thought I was doing what was right, but now I see that it wasn't my wrong to right.  
I don't want anyone else, I never have wanted anyone but you. I want, no I need, the girl who makes my still heart beat. You. I need you. I am in love with you, and always will be.  
So what I'm writing to say, what I need to ask, is... will you have me back? Will you forgive me and take me back? Will you at least meet with me? I know it's a lot to ask, and that I don't deserve it one bit. So, if you don't respond to this letter you will never hear from me again. I will leave and never bother you with my pathetic begging again. But Bella please, please find it in your heart to let me in once again.  
If you have moved on and want nothing more to do with me, then so be it. I could be whatever you want of me, a friend, anything. I am willing to do whatever it takes.  
I've kept you for too long. I know that you probably won't respond to this, but I had let you know how I felt, though I know it won't change a thing. I do love you, more than anything.  
Yours, always, Edward.


	2. It's not my heart anymore

Edward,  
I couldn't believe it was you who had written that letter. After all this time. I took one look at your delicate writing and my heart was ripped apart all over again. I didn't know what to expect, all I hoped was that it wouldn't be like the letter I received from Alice last year, the 'we were such good friends and this is how my life is now', the kind that attempts to write over everything that happened but actually just reopened what I thought were closed wounds.  
In fact, your letter was so much worse. You brought back every insecurity and fear and feeling of hurt and loneliness that I have been trying to keep away. And that's so selfish of you Edward. After we broke up (well, after you left me. It's not really like I had any choice is it) I died inside. You may think I'm exaggerating, but I'm ashamed to say that I'm not. I literally died on the inside. I went through the day to day motions, went to school etc, but only to please Charlie. He wanted me to go back to Phoenix with Renee, but I refused, hoping that somehow staying in Forks would bring you back. Charlie tried everything Edward, everybody did. If only you could see what you did to me. After awhile, I started to realise that I was killing myself, and my dad. So I started hanging out with Jacob Black, an old family friend who showed me that 'fun' still existed. Jacob brought me back to life.  
You ask me how I am, whether I think of you, who I'm with. Don't act like you don't know. I know Alice must be filling you in on my every move.  
Despite what you put me through Edward, I'm doing okay. Sure I think about you, I try not too but then I hear some music that makes me think of you, or see a game of baseball and am transported back in time to the day my life changed forever. I see a silver vovlo and burst into tears, I go to the doctors in Seattle so I don't have to avoid thinking of Carlisle, all much to the bewilderment of everybody. It's too painful to think of you Edward, to think of how you left me and why I wasn't worth staying for.  
I'm with Jacob now, have been for almost a year. He was there for me when you weren't. He wanted me when you didn't. He showed me that he loves me by staying there with me, not by running away and trying to protect me. I love him, and I love myself when I am with him. I don't have to shout to be heard, I don't have to hold back, or worry about him not telling me things. Jacob respects that I have a right to know some things. He doesn't treat me like a child. Above all, he trusts me and listens to me Edward. You never did any of this. You were always so convinced you were right that you would never listen to me. You made me feel weak and insignificant, as if my opinion didn't matter because you had already made up your mind. You left me the same way. You came into my life, showed me the best times of my life and then just left. I genuinely believed that you just didn't love me anymore, because I always thought it was too good to be true.  
I always thought I'd be ecstatic to find out that you still loved me and wanted me back. Now I'm not so sure. I'm happy with Jacob. Maybe not as happy as I could have been with you, and maybe I don't love him as much as I loved you either, but I'm happy enough. Life with Jake is easy. It's simple.  
You said you could be whatever I want of you, but the thing is Edward, you weren't what I needed you to be when I needed you most. You can't just walk into my life again.  
Oh my god Edward. I miss you, god I miss you. I doubt I will ever be complete without you. Every day I privately cry for what we had, what you stole away from me. But to everybody else now I'm 'back to normal'. I work so hard at keeping this facade up, pretending to have forgotten you and your family. Because it's not just you Edward, it was your whole family. They were my family too adn you took them away from me! And I hate you for that! But at the same time, I could never hate you, I will never truly hate you, because I love you too much.  
You will always have my heart, but I can't give you anymore of me. Loving you taught me lessons, and even if I wanted to let you back in I wouldn't. Even if I wanted to give you my heart I couldn't, because you have it already. It's not my heart anymore.  
I'm crying as I write this, because I'm realising how un-over you I am. Time only makes it harder. I wish I could still call you a friend. My boyfriend. Not that that phrase held anywhere near the enough meaning that our relationship had.  
But who the hell are you to save me? What makes you think you can just walk right back into my life. Fuck Edward! Fuck you! You have no idea what you've done to me. You didn't need to treat me that way. Did you forget about all the promises you made me? Did you run away so you didn't have to see my heart break? I guess you thought I'd be able to put it all behind me. But I couldn't, I can't. There's always something here to remind me of you. What about Jacob?! What am I meant to do about him now? I love him! I can't hurt him, he means too much too me. How am I meant to go to bed to him tonight and make love to him, knowing what I know now, feeling what I feel. And yes, I've had sex with Jacob. Don't be mad, or dissapointed. What did you expect, I'd have my life on hold for you? I feel like I should apologise to you though, for losing my virginity to some one who wasn't you.. This makes no sense.  
Oh Edward I just don't know anymore. I'm sure you're confused. I started out writing you a letter to tell you that I don't need you or want you anymore. Tell you that you can get lost because you hurt me too much. But I just don't know. My emotions are getting the better of me, as you can probably tell, reading my contradictory letter.  
But doesn't this just show you what you do to me? One letter from you and I am a complete mess. Because every time you enter my life you bring with you this storm that changes everything I thought I knew and messes up everything I thought I felt.  
It can't work. It can't. But now I don't know if I can let you go. Knowing you are near, letting myself think about you. I don't know if I have the strength to lose you again, I'm not strong. I'm not as tough as I have pretended to be all this time.  
But maybe Jasper and Emmett are right, maybe it is too late.  
I'll think about it. But I can't promise anything. I'll be in touch.  
...Take care.  
Isabella Swan.  
P.S. I've just reread this letter and it makes no sense. Ha. But that's typical Bella isn't it, hysterical and irrational Bella. I'm sure you'll manage. Oh, and as you asked.. I can't listen to classical music or your cd anymore. You ruined its beauty for me.


End file.
